A Deep Well
Sometimes when you achieve something good, it feels like it requires the tightest grip. Like it’s almost scary to think about going back to your life before that thing. Like you have to work as hard as you can and never falter, to ensure that you won’t.
This has been me in my Yoga practice. I’ve been able to get myself out of chronic pain, anxiety, many things– only to have it feel like both a miracle and a burden. It’s like dammit, something does work, but now I have to do it everyday forever and be perfect. Shouldering this mentality, I’ve made Yoga very serious and regimented.
In Whatever Arises, Love That author Matt Kahn writes “don’t confuse spirituality with obedience training”.
To give you an idea of how much this has resonated for me, I literally wrote this on a large Post-it and stuck it to my computer so I would see it every day. And similar to the obedience training tangent, I’ve also invented a theory along the way that there’s such a thing as “backsliding”. I’m lucky to have discovered an amazing Buddhism class where I currently live in Jackson, WY– and one night my teacher David opened up the room for questions. I raised my hand thinking I had a relatively nonchalant inquiry about progress versus backsliding, like hey any tips would be great. I’ll never forget the energetic outpouring from him when I asked my question– it was compassion. He emphatically asked me “why do you think you are backsliding?” and proceeded to generously outline all the ways in which I was not backsliding and could never backslide. That it actually sounded to him like all I’d done was adopt higher standards for myself.
Image source: Pinterest/unknown
I offer this all to say– Yoga works whether you do it for 2 hours a day or for 10 minutes. It even works when you do it once a week or once a month.
I do feel the best in my body, mind, and spirit when I have a long practice every day. I also genuinely love Yoga and practicing brings me joy. But I’m coming into a different mindset than the girl who HAD to do her entire perfect practice for the exact perfect duration and in the exact perfect way in order to be okay. I’m starting to think of it more as possessing a deep well within me. When I have time and energy to practice I do it, I add water to my well. Sometimes it’s snowing for months in Wyoming and I practice so much the well gets to brim over. But then other times I’m traveling and visiting friends or family, going out in the world, nourishing myself in other ways. I used to grip so hard at the quicksand of time, like almost upset that my day had been filled in other ways, because it meant I hadn’t done absolutely all my Yoga, and I had to do my Yoga right? Now if I’m traveling or experiencing a busy stretch, or even if it’s just a sunshiney day when maybe I’d reap more joy from taking a walk, I allow myself to just pop in a few practices here or there. And I don’t worry about backsliding, or losing anything– because I’ve established my deep well. It can sustain giving out a few buckets. And it’s always regenerating, like rain back to the earth or tissue within the body. Getting what it needs through both a strong foundation and an allowance to give, take, and be free.
Namaste,
Hannah